I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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