It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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