I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
