i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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