if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
