Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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