Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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