She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
