You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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