Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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