i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
