Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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