I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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