It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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