thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
