you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
