looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
