I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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