Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
