Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
