HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
