Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
