I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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