You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
