and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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