I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
