Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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