So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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