he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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