Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
