I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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