he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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