I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
