You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
