I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
