I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize