my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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