Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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