it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
BRING THE BAGELS
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
