some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
