I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
