i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
