Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
