I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
