TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
