oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
