I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
