Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize