I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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