Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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