I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
