I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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