you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
