Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
