I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
