I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize