God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
